Trigger Warning: I am going to talk about suicide in this post.
In my introduction to this blog, I state
Living with a chronic disease that requires daily medicine can be quite difficult at times. It is easy to slip into depression and hopelessness.
I am done doing that.
I choose life. I choose optimism. And I choose to share some of my stories here.
I want people to know that I am Clearly Alive.
This is not an easy choice. There have been many times that I just wanted to give up. To stop taking all of my medicine. To quit fighting. It appeared easier to just surrender.
This is a dangerous loop.
Recently, one of my friends decided that she no longer wanted to be alive. She stopped taking all of her medicine, including her cortisol steroids. Thankfully, someone found her and immediately gave her an emergency injection of solu-cortef. This saved her life.
As I grappled with the fact that she attempted to carry out what I so desperately wanted to do, I was overcome with grief. But then other thoughts entered my mind.
I am not done yet.
We are not done yet.
Our story is far from over.
I started stitching these little butterflies on top of a semicolon. The blue butterfly represents hope within our Adrenal Insufficiency community. The semicolon represents a sentence that the author could have ended, but chose not to. The sentence is your life, and the author is you.
Each butterfly is different. Each hand stitched “Not Yet” is far from perfect, but I find that fitting for such a message. We are all so very different and we are all so very far from perfect.
Will you join me in proclaiming “Not yet”?
Will you join me in our fight to remain Clearly Alive?
A Note On Suicide
I mentioned suicide in the post above. Dear Clearly Alive Family, I want to inform y’all that I am safe. I have a good network of support that regularly check in on me. Before I was properly diagnosed with Adrenal Insufficiency, I struggled with a dangerous voice inside my head that would tempt me to hurt myself. A few times, I would listen to it. A few times, my mom would have to come in and forcibly stop me.
With proper cortisol coverage, that voice is silenced.
If I am ever overwhelmed while running low on cortisol, that unsafe voice returns. However, I am learning to recognize it quicker and react. I seek out help. I speak openly about it. By speaking openly, I can have accountability. Through accountability, I can remain Clearly Alive.
If you are struggling, know that you are not alone and do not be afraid to seek help.
I want us all to remain Clearly Alive.